VoldyBoo
by ThisIsOneHellOfAUserName
Summary: The um....sexy adventures of young Harry and friends....This is a total Harry Potter parody, and please no flames. It's totally for fun, and I think you should read it just because you can lol. R
1. The Sorcerer's Boner

Um….yeah. Just read and review. I'm not on any drugs, I swear.

Voldy-Boo

Once upon a time, in the shit hole we call England, Lilly and James Potter were going at it. Lots of strange and disgusting things happened in their home that night, so gruesome that we shall not write them.

About nine months later, after the condom had been broken, Lilly was being a bitch in labor. Harry popped his head out and then the doctor did the rest, and Lilly screamed bloody murder. And Harry was born.

About a month later, they received an apology letter from the condom factory, saying that ugly little Harry was all their fault and that they would be willing to brutally murder him for free. This pissed Lilly off, so she started bitchen to James. He, in turn, hired Voldemort to come to his house, break in, and kill everyone. He forgot to take his meds that morning ok?

So anyway, ten years later, Harry was turned into Dudley's sex slave, considering he couldn't get any action himself. So, here we are, in the middle of one of their domestic disputes. (That was an alliteration) (Just so you know) (XD)

"Harry, why are you so sloppy? I told you to (censored) my (censored)!" Dudley screeched at the poor, naked Harry. (If you really don't know what he said, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks with mad libs or something)

"I'm sorry Duddems' but its just so…wrinkly and icky!" Harry so bluntly said. This enraged the great naked caveman, (Dudley). He struck Harry so hard that his glasses flew off. Harry started to sob, as he curled into fetal position in the corner.

"Now listen here! You're my bitch, and you're going to act like it! Now put that in your juice box and SUCK IT!" Dudley yelled, pointing his finger at Harry.

"…ok…." Harry whispered. His face displayed clear despair, his eyes filled with dead hope. O sob, o cry. Poor Harry.

Just then, a letter flew through the mail- slot- thing. (what the hell is that anyway? Do you seriously know anyone who has that on their door? No. I didn't think so.)

Harry bent his naked body over and picked up the envelope. It was addressed to "the sexually abused child under the stairs". Harry ripped it open, expecting another shipment of sex toys for Dumdems and himself. But low and behold! There was a letter! To come to a school for which craft and wizardry! With pictures of the male teachers hugging the young boys! It looked so pleasant and…fun! Harry grabbed his clothes, packed his bags, and went to school on the magic purple short bus for special people.

On the bus, Harry was looking around. All these strange and…ugly people! One kid in particular caught Harry's wandering eye…

"Duh uhr uhr hur…" Ronald Weasly said, smacking his chest with his hand. He wore a purple Barney helmet and knee high socks. His neon green blazer just shouted gay, so Harry decided to take advantage of the special child.

"Hi. I'm Harry. Harry Potter," Harry said, outstretching his hand to the red haired boy in front of him. Ron picked his nose, drawing a long sticky train of boogers from the cavern of his nostril. He slapped it onto Harry's hand, wiping the icky slimy shit onto his hand. Harry looked down at it in disgust, thinking that the child was a barbaric retard.

"Me Ron!" Ron shouted, stomping his feet. He wore blue bunny slippers. "You Harry!" He sounded remotely like the muggle movie Tarzan, and Harry was half expecting him to rip off his clothes revealing a loin cloth. But sadly, he did not.

For some odd reason, Harry found Ronald somewhat sexy. The way his tongue dangled out of his mouth like a hot puppy, and how his lazy eye rolled about his head. It was a serious turn on.

Just then, a girl in a play boy bunny costume opened the door. She sucked on her lollipop, staring at poor Ron with hungry eyes.

"Dare you are bitch!" Ron stammered, "I've been looking for you."

"Sorry pimp-daddy," Hermione said, "I was screwin this albino dude in the loo."

"Dur…not Malfoy again! He hurted my feelings!!" Ron sobbed, sucking his thumb.

Hermione sat next to him, rubbing his back. "There there, it's ok Ronny-poo."

Harry stared at the two, secretly wondering if a three some was possible. But sadly, neither talked to him for the rest of the bus ride, and instead took turns trying to hump the bus seat. It was kind of like a leather orgy, but kind of not.

Finally, the bus pulled up to the school, a giant pink castle with sugar plum fairies circling it. Harry had never seen such a gay (but beautiful) castle in all his young life. His eyes sparkled behind his horned rimed glasses, the innocence of his smile. Dumbly-door looked down from his office window at the new prey-boy-below. He smiled his lecherous smile, his hot dog growing exciteded. He remembered when a boy named Tom riddle once attended the school, looking upon it as Harry did now.

Ah, Tom. Dumbly-door's first rape victim. Those were the days. Tom was Dumbly-door's first and only love, and was named tommy-kins at the time. But know that he was totally bad-ass, he had changed his name to Voldy-Boo. Yeah, that's right. Voldy-Boo.

Hagrid, also known as Big Gay Giant, stampeded over the children, accidentally killing Hermione. Oops. Oh well. No one likes her anyway. Harry's like the sexy school kid, and Ron….Ron is just Ron. Hermione has like no relevance to the story except that she's all like annoying and stuff, and J.K. here decided to stick her with spech cause no one loved him and he was all jealous of Harry and stuff and deserved happiness or something. But enough about them.

So anyway, Bunny-Whore was dead, flat on the ground like road kill. Hagrid thought she'd either make good pancakes, or a nice fur coat. So he peeled her off, skinned her, then ate her flesh. He slung her limp, formless skin around his neck like a scarf. Yay. Bye bye bitch, hello the creation of Prada. (What you didn't know it was founded by a giant gay person? God you're stupid.)

Ron cried a little, and then got over it cause Harry offered to be his new bitch. He really really found Ronald attractive, and would do ANYTHING for him. Like we're talking Kama sutra anything. Yeah. Like the crab position and shit like that. You thought those were the ghosts making those moaning noises at night? Think again, think again. …..think again again.

So they requested to be "roommates" (cough) lovers (cough).

Harry unpacked all his fun sex-toys, dumping them about the floor. Ron and him instantly began playing with them, and they got so involved, that they missed that stupid banquet thing were Dumbly-Door basically just says hi. I think its more for show, cause, they like eat all fancy-full like that all the time, and they're like little piggies cause they get like a mountain of K.F.C. every meal. It's a shocker that they're all not like ooze-cakes or something. (Me and my friends call fat people ooze-cakes. No offense to you ooze-cakes or anything, but we're like talking about those people who weigh like five hundred pounds and are all jello-like.)

So Snapey-snookums walks into the room and is all like "Holy Sh&!!" so he runs and gets M.G. Dog (Professor Magonical). And then she's all like "What the Fu!!"

So Harry and Ronald get dramatically separated, and sing some gay-ass song about love or something. And then the fat lady painting thing that's really annoying and ooze-cake and asks for the password and crap kicks ronny-Poo out and keeps Harry cause she finds him smexy.

So there Ron is, wandering the halls, when he comes across a dark alley. He is curious if there are any rapists, so he decides to check it out. Red eyes looked at him through the shadows, and Ron thought it was the devil, coming to defile him.

"Hello Ronald Weasly."

Ron gasped. "How do you know my name Satan?!"

"I am not Satan. But that was kind of you to say so. I'm Voldemort!"

Bum bum BummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!

Ron gasped again, "Duhrrrrr no way!"

So Voldemort gave him some crack and then Ron sold it to all the kids and everyone loved him. But then Dumbly-Door used a spell to disquise himself as a student and he bought some and caught Ron in the act. So Ron spazed out and told on Voldemort. Cause he's a tattle-tale. No one likes a Tattle-Tale. So Ron was now dubbed as a butt nugget, and everyone hated him. (Buttnuggets are either mean or stupid or just plain annoying people. Or whatever you want it to be. Buttnugget is a magical word, and it's full of wonder and joy.)…..(And joyness).

Hearing news of Voldemort's return, Dumbly-door was overjoyed. He searched the whole castle at night, wearing only a flimsy night gown.

"Voldy-Boo? I heard you were here….Come out poopsie-kins!"

"Dumbly-Door? Is that you??" Voldemort asked, appearing from the shadows. Again. "B-but you're so old and wrinkly!"

"I've grown old. Unlike you I'm not immortal."

"So…you're fragile now?"

Dumbly-door smiled. "Not in the slightest. I'm still just as good in bed as I was when you were a child."

Voldy-Boo smiled, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

So they started going at it in the hall, sharing each others STD's and whatnot. Disturbing noises flowed from the hall, followed by a crack. Voldemort smiled. His plan had worked! He had successfully banged Dumbly-Door to death!

Voldy-Boo's revenge had been carried out! And now, his soul could rest in peace.

Fin.

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ


	2. The Chamber of Sex Secrets

Please for the love of God review! I want to know what you think of my insanity!

This is to no offense to anyone or any thing. Harry Potter and all characters associated with belong to J.K. Rowling. Again, please do not be offended by this oddness, for it is just for fun. Don't forget to review!!

* * *

Ok, not fin. Ha ha. Fooled ya.

Ok so, no ones dead. Yeah. We blew Hermione up with a bike pump, and now she's Snape's sex doll, ok? And Dumbly-Door? He was easily put back together like a jig saw puzzle, using some Gorilla Glue. That shit is fo shizzle man.

Anyway….

Voldy-Boo, thinking he extracted his revenge, is walking through the Forbidden Forest when he comes across Centaur Dude. You know, that half horsey man who's name I can't remember. (I am an actual Harry Potter fan, don't get me wrong. I'm just having a little fun here).

"Hello Charlie the Unicorn. I'm Voldemort, Mass Ruler of the Eternal Abyss of Hell. Can you tell me where the Candy Mountain Strip Club is? I have a client who's going to give me ten thousand for a lap dance."

Centaur Dude/ Charlie the Unicorn (?) replied, "Um…I think it's out yonder." He pointed to his left, where a brightly colored building was standing, flashing neon pink and green lights that read, "Candy Mountain Strip Club".

"Ah. I see," Voldy-Boo replied. He took five steps and was inside the strip club.

So there's Severus Snapey-kins, pole dancing with Hermione's inflated corpse. He's got the fish net tights and the blue fuzzy boa, and his hair its all like, pulled up in a ponytail and shit. And he's got a tiara. Yeah. A pretty diadem for out princess Snape, pixie fairy of sugar-plum land. Or something like that.

Anyway there are all these guys (and girls I guess) (whatever floats your boat), and they're like sticking Benjamin's into his but crack. And Snape sucks it in cause he's a piggy bank.

(Are you sure you're a Harry Potter fan? Cause if you didn't know about Hagrid's Prada line, and now you don't even know about Snape being a piggy bank, I'm not so sure you are. :P)

So Voldemort goes in the back to get to wardrobe, and he like, picks out the scariest thing he can find, considering he's just going to be taking it off in a few minutes anyway. He chooses a pink sequin thong, (that's totally G-string and rides up his ass), a pink fuzzy boa, a cowboy hat, and neon green stilettos. MMMMM toasty.

Strutting down the runway, he poses for the porn star guys, so he can like, be in GayBoy or something. (You know PlayBoy? I think you can figure this one out on your own.) (And by the way, you know how I'm like helping you through this effed up consistency of words? Yeah, my names Bob. Just Bob).

Ok soooo…..hmmmm lets see here…alright so then the Potter Puppet pals pop up, (and if you haven's seen them, go fall on sharp glass cause you definitely aren't a Harry Potter fan), and they're singing the "follow the butterflies". Disco lights and shit start flashing, and then like, he starts swinging the hat around on his Mr. Happy or something equally disturbing to that.

Harry walks into the club, decked out in his pimp cane and whatever, with Cho Chang on his arm. Yeah, just what his ego needs, a Chinese prostitute. Am I right? Yeah. I am.

"'Sup Foo?" he asks, lowering his glasses. The whole club stops bouncing and everyone stares at him like, "How dare you crash this homo party man??"

"Uz my home skillet fo nizzet fo shizzle my nizzle fo grizzle da dizzle pa pizzle Harry Barry pho phanny me mi no narry, pi pie ko karry, Harry. Potter that's me. Harry Potter, Harry Potter, yes! Harry Potter! Harry Potter ooo! Harry Potter! Harry Potter, that's me!"

He posed all coolios like, resting on his pimp cane.

"You ain't black and you ain't from Banana phone, you Prick!"

Harry got sad at this, so he began to cry. Hoe Chang rubbed his back and tried to soothe him, but he only smacked her with his cane in response.

"Stay away you STD filled whore!"

"Whaaaa he called me the 'h' word!" Chang cried, falling to the floor in dismay.

"Whore's spelled with a 'w' you stupid bitch!" Harry screamed, smacking her with his cane yet again.

"Yes Master Barney."

"Barney?! Who's Barney?! Are you cheating on me?!" Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing! "After all I've done for you?! I've fed you and gave you a home!"

"A cardboard box isn't a home! And gummy bears aren't food you bastard! Besides! I can't cheat on you! I'm a prostitute! I sleep with everyone!"

"Would you sleep with me?" asked Voldy-Boo.

Chang shrugged. "Sure why not."

So they went to the back to do…nasty things. And Snape went to join them. Mmmm threesome. Fun fun Fun! (Well technically, it was a foursome, considering the empty shell of Hermione is there too. But her souls still in there, so she may enjoy it. But I know I wouldn't. So she might actually die in this chapter. We'll see. It all depends on how much pixie stick I've snorted this morning…OO).

So Harry's now a sobbing mess, so he goes to the bar. Hagrid comes in, fully clad in nothing but a green LACE thong. He sat next to Harry, his massive forest of chest hair spilling over onto the counter, and into Harry's tequila. Kinky.

"What's wrong Pimp-Daddy?"

"H-Hoe Chang cheated on me with B-Barney! What's so sexy about a singing p-purple dinosaur huh? You tell me!" He sobbed again, then sucked up his tears like Sponge Bob. God I love that kid. (You can't get much better than a talking, singing, laughing, fry cook sponge now can you? God gives us some amazing things, he does).

"Well I've banged Barney a couple times. And Elmo too. But Harry, there are more important matters at hand. The Dark Lord has something hidden away in Hogwarts, and it's going to DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY US ALL!DESTROY U-"

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I GET IT HAGRID CALM DOWN!" Harry, shouted. "What is going to "Destroy us all?" Hagrid opened his mouth to re-start his rant, but Harry slapped him.

"Sorry 'bout that Harry my toy-I mean boy. Anyway there's a big ass snake in the pipes or something, and the exterminators can't get to it. So they want you to contort your little body in there and retrieve the Lost Diary of Sex Secrets. It lies in the Chamber of Sex Secrets, and you'll have to lay many a man before you can reach it."

Harry wrinkled his nose. "Why me? Why must I go?"

"Because, Harry. Dumbly-Door has chosen you, just as he chose Tom Riddle all those years ago. But you cannot sleep with anyone else besides who you have to Harry. Why do you think I got kicked out all those years ago?" Hagrid looked down at his whiskey. "I slept with Tom, we were having an affair you see, and then I got punished for it. He was Dumbly-Door's favorite I guess." Sighing, he downed the last of his drink. "But enough about the past, it's time for the future. Dumbly-Door has chosen you to be his new sex slave, so you must go! Go and fulfill your destiny!"

Harry stood, flinging off his pimp cape.

"I will go! To the Chamber of Sex Secrets! But first allow me to get my companions!"

Harry stormed up to Snape, challenging him to a "Light-saber Battle" (cough) you know what (cough). After winning with his 10-incher, he re-claimed Hermione and stormed back to Hogwarts.

Ron was putting together a puzzle in the special children's room, and jumped up and down when he saw Harry.

"Common Ron. We have a book to save."

To Be continued…..if I feel like it.


	3. The Chamber of Sex Secrets Part 2

So here they are, our young heroes. They went to the bathroom, you know the one no one goes to cause of Moaning Myrtle? What's up with that chick anyway Why is it Moaning Myrtle anyway? What was she doing when she died exactly? Or do we want to know? Of course we do! If you didn't, then you wouldn't have actually clicked the next chapter button, cause you think this is a weird and pointless story. But it's not. This story is full of love, and joy…and joy-ness. It's a beautiful piece of literature that you should feel privileged to read.

…..What we were we talking about again?

Ah yes, Moaning Myrtle. So Harry and Co. walk in and she like, tries to rape him or something cause she thinks he's the sexiest thing since marshmallows or something.

"Oh no! Harry!" Ron yelled. He dove at Myrtle, but fell right through, falling head first into the shit-filed toilet. Splash. Ewwww.

Harry shouted and screamed, but then realized something very important.

"Wait a minute. You can't rape me! You're a girl!"

Myrtle smiled. "That's what you think."

Harry's face fell, and paled. "N-no! It can't be!"

"Yes. It can."

So Myrtle flipped him over and yeah…

Hermione tried to help, but what can a blow up toy like her do? Squeak? Not much damage there. Ron pulled himself out of the toilet, brown poopies all over his face. He chucked some at Myrtle, being the monkey he really desired to be. If he had a genie man, he would wish for three things. 1; to be a monkey, so he could freely itch his buttocks. 2; to be able to ooze green slime out of his dick. Like a Willy Wonka Sweet Tarts thing. Or a juice box, or something. 3; to have a pet donkey bitch. Those things make some weird noises.

Myrtle, now covered in poo, screamed and um… let Harry go. So Harry crawled away, trying to pull his pants up and stuff. He spat at Myrtle, but it also went through her. (Well that makes sense, doesn't it? The poop sticks but spit doesn't?)

Hermione fell over, and she hit the faucet of wonder and joy, opening the pit into hell. Harry looked down at it, the fire and flames of hell staring up at him. He stuck his toungue out at it, then turned to Ron.

"I'm not going down there. I heard Satan is gay."

Ron raised an eyebrow at this, "Like you aren't?"

Harry contemplated this, then shrugged. He connonballed into the abyss of hell or whatever. Using Hermione as a pogo stick, Ron jumped in after him.

They slid down, feeling they're butts burn from the strain. Harry quite enjoyed this feeling, so he called out in joy. Ron however, being the non-faggot he was, cried at the sensation. But it was easily drowned out by the shouting and moaning and other things happening in the Chamber.

"Oh yessss!!" The Basilisk called, echoing through the halls. Harry gasped. That sounded fun! Snake orgy! He ran through the halls, trying to find the snake. Ron poggoing behind him all the way. Poor Hermione. She's so abused through this story.

So Harry comes up to the snake thing and is all like;

"Woah man! Just woah!"

And Ron's like, "Duuuuddddeeee."

And Hermione's like, "Squeeeaaaakkkk!!"

And the Basilisk's like "Oh YESSSSSSSSS"

Hiss hiss. Kinky.

So there's Tom Riddle, sex whip in hand, standing over the snake. Baskilsk Bob here is clad in some sort of weird contraption thing that Harry couldn't quite figure out. But he wanted to try it.

"Me next Tommy-kins! Me next!"

Tom looked at him, confused if he was Voldy-Boo or Tom or Bozo the Clown. Identity theft does this to you.

Ron pointed at the floor, where the book lay.

"Don't forget our mission Harry! You can screw Tommy-Boo the Clown whenever you want! He's a prostitute like that!"

"Prostitute?!" Harry screamed. "Hoe Chang you bitch!" He fell into a depressed slump on the floor. Ron poggoed Hermione into him, hard and fast, as Tom whipped him. (Nothing like a sexual thrill to cheer you up ). Harry stood up, a detirmened look upon his face.

"Poop him Ron!"

Ron obliged, chucking more shit. Then he itched his ass. (insert smiley face here) () (and how about another one?) () (and this is where the batman symbol goes) (and then an ice cream cone) (and then how about…how about a grape?) (Or perhaps a toothbrush?) (Yeah. Lets go with a toothbrush. Minty toothpaste too. Mmmmm icy fresh breath.) (Try orbit today!) (another smiley face).

Harry grabbed the book.

"I shall now transport to Dumbly-Door, using my awesome Star Trek powers! Go Go Dweeby awsomeness!!" A giant purple and pink, (very gay) light engulfed him, and then…nothing happened. Just as expected from Star Trek.

"ooook then. Lets try my awesome Star Wars powers!!"

This time, a rainbow light swallowed him, the highest of the gay colors. This time, Harry went;

Poof.

Hahaha poof. Funny word.

Ron and Hermione however, were stuck. So, they had to pogo their way out of Hell. They had a pogo race with Satan. It was fun. And you missed it. (Ha ha sucks to be you. I got a souvenior cup with a twisty straw. Bet you're jealous now, aren't you? Yeah, you are. Admit it. Go on. Don't be embarrassed. I'm waiting. Common!).

(You can tell me how jealous you are in a review. I really want to know what you think of my awesome awsomeness.)

So Harry hit his head or got poisoned by Tom's evil cum or something, and he was in the hotspital. Hermione's head got pogoed in, so she had to go there to. And then she had to go to the New Face Store. (I bet that if you're reading this, you either have no life, think this is seriously hilarious, think this is seriously gay but are reading it anyway, or, you are seriously hideous. Maybe you should go to the new face store? Yeah. You should.)…..(Your mom)……….(smiling evil face).

Dumbly-Door sat at the foot of the bed, flipping through the pages of the book. His letcherous smile grew wider as he continued to read, getting more interesting as he went on. The book also served as a mini tv, showing him his sins of the past. He really needs to go to jail for molestation or something. Him and Satan would be good friends, both being gay with little boys like that. Some people. They're like the micheal Jacksons of J.K.Rowling's world or something. Haha.

Harry awoke with a start, screaming "Gummy Bears!"

Dumbly-Door looked at him like he was crazy, and Harry stared back like, "What's up your butt old guy?" While Dumbly-Door was thinking, "Gummy Bears huh? Hot. That would make an interesting addition to my collection of sex toys. MWA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (deep breath) A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..ha.

Yeah……anyways.

So Dumbly-Door leaned in and started smoochin Harry up and groping him and shit, while Hermione stared at them in horror, and began squeaking at them. This only turned Dumbly-Door on more, like the top notch of the light switch.

So yeah…….you know what happens next. I'm not going to describe, in gruesome detail, the horrific events that took place on that bed. You know the sword of Gryfin Door? Yeah. That was Harry's thingy. (God you REALLY can't consider yourself a Harry Potter fan. You're a DISGRACE. You hear me? A DISGRACE! I hope you're proud of yourself.) (:P) Anyway. So I'm not going to describe that they did it in Doggie Style, and that Dumbly-Door's beard was touching Harry's dicky-kins, tickling him, causing him to moan loudly in pleasure. And that when they sucked each other's penis's and came at the same time, making it all romantic and stuff. And then they did it in the crab position. (you didn't know crabs could fuck? God you're stupid.)

Yeah So anyways Ron comes in and is like, "WOAH man, just WOAH!"

And he runs through the halls, graffiti-ing them with things like, "Harry's DumbleDor's BITCH", and "I saw Harry fucking Santa-Clause". Those are hurtful things Ron, hurtful things. And I don't think Harry and Dumbley-Door here appreichiate it. Or do they? Who knows those two are freaks.

* * *

Next time; The Sex Slave of Azkeban. Ha ha ha. Lol Read it!!


	4. The Sex Slave of Azkaban!

-1Alright. So Harry had to go home, for like, break and stuff. Yeah. So here we are, on whatever the hell that street is called.

"Harry! Get my pickles!!" Dudems screeched, laying his fat ass on the couch. He flicked on the tellie, watching it like the mindless bastard he was. So Harry got his pickles. What he wanted them for, we will never know….Nor do we want to know. If you do, then use your own sick little mind to make it up. Cause I don't want to here it.

Anyway, this fat bitch came in, carrying her dog, which was also a fat bitch.

"Dudems! What have I told you about masturbation and pickles!? They have loads of STD's! Farmers need something to do in the barns together!" Aunt Marge bellowed.

"You stupid ninny! Pickles don't come from farms! They come from cows!"

"Cows are at farms!"

Aunt Petunia chimed in, "Pickles come from cucumbers. Duh."

"No they don't!"

Harry, having heard enough of this foolery, decided to inflate Aunt Marge. He wanted to see how fat someone could get without exploding. Someone has to tell Hagrid his limits. (He claims that it's not his fault, and that he tries to stop, but isn't that what every ooze-cake says? Weight Watchers is your friend). (I apologize to people that really can't loose weight.)…(Not like anyone's actually reading this).

"No! Aunt Lard-ass!" Dudems and Petunia and Butt-cheek shouted, trying to catch the run away fat bitch. They ran around, like chickens with they're heads cut off.

Haha. I always found that strange. If humans get their heads cut off, then do we run around like that too? I've never seen it before. Nor do I want to. And I'm not going to example it for you either. No way man. That just ain't happenin. I like my crazy head where it is, thank you. Even if there's no brain in there, it's still my head. With hair, a mouth and three eyes. Ha ha ha. Gotcha. I bet you'd really believe me if I said that too, wouldn't you? Yeah, you would. Don't deny it. Admit it. Come on. Right now. Give it to me baby! Ah-huh! Ah-huh! I'm pretty fly for a white guy! Don't make me snap in Z-formation, head rotation, butt circulation, hands, hands, wrists, wrists, boy you just got dissed! Uh-huh. I went there. What you gonna do about beotch? Nothing. That's right. You can't touch this. Du-nu-nu-nu, cant touch this…or is it, Duh-na-na-na? hmmm….nu or na? nu or na? nu or na? nu or na? nu or na? vote! Election of 08! Forget Obama and Clinton and those other peeps! Nu and Na!

AnyWhoo, back to the story;

So Harry packs his bags and leaves, walking away. Then he goes old school and decides to hide in the park. And then a friendly puppy comes up to him and he's like, awwww. So he pets it, but it bites him and gives him rabies. In his balls. Ha ha ha. This is a total Cartman moment. And im asuming that if you're reading this, you watch south park. That show is the shiz nitz.

Then the Pedifile Bus pulls up, and pulls Harry in. They treat his ball-rabies while doing other things. They used an AID affected needle, so now Harry had HIV. (This is nothing to joke about. AIDS is very serious business.)

"No! Now people will think I'm a homo cause I have AIDS."

"You're already a homo Harry. Get over it."

So Harry went to a bar, then somehow got to School. Cause all school buses pick up children at bars. You know. Just give me a martini on the rocks with that PB and J. Or PB and H. PB and Heroine. Gasp. And you thought this story couldn't get any weirder.

(Hey guess what? I forgot to tell you. I'm a Play Boy Bunny. I'm dead serious. Uh-huh. You bet. My names Jessica. And my B/F's name is Justin. Justin Nelson. ;) hi baby. No I'm jk. He's this dude I've been prank callin. I'm not really a PB bunny. Ha ha. Put that on your sandwich. Anyway it's cool though cause he's my cuzins bf. For realios.)

"Harry! You must watch out! The serial rapist/pedophile had escaped from Azkaban!" Ron's daddy-kins told him behind a pillar. In front of a moving poster of the dude.

"Gasp!" Harry gasped. Duh. "What's his name?!"

"Serious Dick!"

"Gasp!"

"I know! Gasp!"

"Gasp!"

"Gasp Gasp Gasp!"

"Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp!"

" Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp Gasp!!"

"Alright alright!" Harry shouted.

"Anyway he's a naked dude who runs around with a pair of pink fuzzy socks on his hands. Watch out. And don't be tempted by his serious dick."

"Hence the name," Harry suggested.

"Yes. Now go get on the train."

(Oh snap. I forgot about the flying car. Maybe we'll just put it in this one. But wait, didn't I already say they were at the school/ Well I lied. They're on the train now. Screw the bus, and Screw the car. No one likes pollution.)

So every one was on the train, and Hermione is still alive. She's been through much hardship, so she bought a new face from the trolley. Now she looks like Michael Jackson. Yeah.

"I'll have a strawberry flavored one please," Harry said, pointing at the condom section. What? If the kids are gonna do it, might as well have protection, right?

"No Harry! I want pie!"

"Oh yeah," Harry remembered, "He likes my junk to smell like cherry pie. I forgot. Get me a couple of those. I'll just stock up for the year."

The lady gave him the goods, and suck some marijuana in there too. Nothin like some weed to excite your sex life. Mmmm.

Slam. Gasp. The train stopped. And then, DEMENTORS CAME IN!! BUMBUMBUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!

"GASP!" Harry shouted. They came in and like, raped him so bad his soul came out. Yeah. Let's make that bigger; THEY RAPED HIM SO HARD, HIS SOUL CAME OUT!

Harry's all like moaning from shit and Ron gets all jealous. And then Lupin-my-pimp-nitz comes in and destroys the dementor!! Yay! Here he comes, to save the day!!

"No!' the demontors said. "We are the dementors who say, NI!"

"No! Not the dementors who say NI!" Lupin shouted!

"Yes! The one and only! And as the dementors who say NI, we demand, a SACRIFICE!"

"Oh dementors who say NI, what is it you demand?"

"First, we want! That boy!" (dramatic music). "Then, We want! A SHRUBBARY!!"

Bum Bum BUMMMMMM!!

"Gasp! No! Not a shrubbery!"

"Yes!"

So Lupin let them rape Harry while he got the shrubbery.

"Oh dementors who say NI! We have gotten you're shrubbery! Now you must leave!"

"Ni! No! We are no longer the dementors who say NI! We are now the dementors who say Icky-icky-ping-pong-zoomp-boing!"

Lupin looked at him quizzically. "Oh demontors who say icky-….who until recently said Ni! What is it you demand now?"

"First! We demand! ANOTHER SHRUBBARY!"

"No! Not another shrubbery!"

"The same! Only this time we want a higher one, so we get that slightly leveled affect. And we want a fence, and a path down the middle."

"Alright," Lupin agreed. "That is reasonable. What else is it that you demand?"

"Next! We demand you cut this train car off, using!! A HERING!! (which is a kind of fish)"

"What?! That is preposterous!"

"Do IT!! DO IT NOW!!"

So Lupin disconnected the car with a fish. Somehow. The dementors, having their fill of touchier, left. And every one, as you are doing now, was like; "WTF?!"

So the train finally gets to Hogwarts.

And la la la, I'm gonna skip half the movie. Cause I wasted too much time here. And the rest is boring anyway. So yeah. We're at the end. Harry and Serious Dick met and talked, thanks to MySpace. And then, they did what they needed to do, but then were seriously grossed out when they found out they were like, related kind of. So yeah. Incest.

Anyway, Pettigrew is like, a rat. As you know. And he likes cheese. :3 lol. Wisconsin cheese. Or Sarggento. I like their motto; "Persnickety people, exceptional cheese." I'm serious dude. That's really their motto.

And Serious is like, a dog. And Harry and Ron and Hermione are there too. Was Snape there? I can't remember. Whatever. No one cares. He dies later on so whatever.

So there was five (six?) people in a room, and only one bed. So then Pettigrew gets all big and fat and him and Snape or Lupin or Serious or who ever the hell is there crash into the bed. Lets just say they're all there, just to make it fun. (insert smiley face here).

So Harry and co ran away…and…what happened again?? I really can't remember. Something about werewolves…ah yes. Werewolves. So I guess Lupin was there. OOOOHHH I'm physic!! Yay me!  
"RAWR!!" Lupin growled. He slashed Serious, cutting off his dick. His pride and joy. Harry named it too. Yep. Princess Sophia. Or Crawl the Warrior King. (You wouldn't get this unless you've seen How To Loose a Guy in 10 Days. That is a GOOOODDDDDDDDD movie. Yeah. It's fo shizzle. And the Shrubbery thing? Yeah. That's from Monty Pyton's Holy Grail. If you want to see that part, go to UTUBE and type in "The Nights Who Say Ni" It's awwwsssooommee.)

So Serious is all like, "Nooo!!"  
And then Lupin cut off his arm.

"Tis' a mere flesh wound!"

"What?" Harry asked. "You're arms cut off!"

Lupin cut off his other arm.

"This isn't over!"

He cut off both his legs.

"I can still win!"

"What are you going to do?! Bleed on me?!" Lupin asked.

"Fine then. We'll call it a draw."

Lupin rolled his eyes. Then left him to die. He untransformed, then felt really bad about cutting serious up. So he went all emo, and had to go to a suicide prevention camp. (Aren't you glad you didn't have to do that Kira? Lol)

So he couldn't be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher anymore. And they were teacher less again.

* * *

Sorry that this one wasn't as good .This movie was kind of boring to me. And it's my least favorite. Sooo the next one will be better, I assure you. Please, tell all your crazy friends to read this! I need more readers! And reviewers!

Next Time; The Goblet of Cum!! (insert evil smiley face here)


	5. The Goblet of Cum

-1Harry stared out at the black lake, its shimmering surface reflecting the warm sunlight. His eyes portrayed deep feeling and emotion, as the lake was very symbolic to him. He loved to see natures beauty, as it reminded him of loves past forgotten.

Hahaha.

Fooled ya.

Bet you got scared. Thought you clicked the wrong story, didn't ya?

Oh well.

You're gullibility amuses me greatly.

Anyway….Harry was looking at the lake, when unicorns popped out from the clouds, and ran him over. Every one at Hogwarts is all like, "OMG OMG OMG it's Paris Hilton! OMG OMG wait no, it's just Harry and he's dead….OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG Harry's dead! Wait….wait no he flinched. Or was that a twitch? Not quite sure."

And then these hookers come out of the unicorn drawn carridge, (I forgot to tell you it was a carriage. Unicorns are distracting like that).

And there's like that sexy music that you don't really know what kind of instrument it is but it kind of sounds like a horn? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. So that plays and all the guys are like, "WOOOOAAAAHHHH," cause all the girls at Hogwarts are uber hideous. Like Hermione, the blown up, squeaking, road-kill wonder.

And then this boat like, burts out of the water like it's pearl harbor upside down or something. And all these pants-less sailor dudes are like, waking their "canes" around and fire was like shootin out and shit. And all the guys were again like, "WOOOAAAAHHHHH," because we've apparently made them all bi.

So they all got herded into the great hall like the little sheepies they are.

"Greetings other people I'm going to rape," Dumbly-Door announced, pressing his wand to his neck. (Doesn't it look like he's threatening to kill himself or something?? I thunk so.)

All the peeps were like, "Whaaaatttt??"

"We're gonna have a ball, so I can watch all you young people dress up all sexy and dance with each other. I'm just gonna need some Viagra, and it'll be all good. It'll be a fun night. And then, we're gonna have a tournament! You're all going to die."

And then he left.

All the kids were all like, "WHHAAATTTT??" And then they all got designer Prada stuffs from Hagrid. And they were all styling for the Yule Balls. Doesn't Yule mean like, firewood? Cause in all the Christmas songs, they're like "Yule time carols…". Dufus the dumbass here, (Kira), says that it's a holiday with a celebratory log! Well Kira I'd like to see you prove that. So ha. I win. It's a log.

Anyway, how can wood have balls??

…..Whatever. This is confusing. Wait, is that where the seed's come from? Ha ha. I get it now. When people say "His seed explodededed into her!' ha ha. They're talking about trees's.

Ok, no they're not.

Anyways…..

So they're like this giant goblet of cum and the kids all have to put a drop in and whatever one Dumbly-Door thinks tastes the best, gets to be in the tournement. And win money and prizes. Rapists try everything these days.

"I like…..Fluer Delecor! And…um…..Viktor Krum! And lets see here………I think this is Cedric Diggory! And one more…Why does it taste so familiar?? Harry Potter!"

Everyone's like, GASP.

"Did you put you're cum in that cup?!" Dumbly-Door asked shoutingly, shaking Harry all violently like. He misses that jerking motion between them. Withdrawl is not pretty.

"No sir, I didn't! Someone must have raped me in my sleep and put it in there!"

"You can't rape the willing!"

Harry felt hurt at this, "But dumbly-Door, you know you're the only one for me."

"You bitch!" a little man in the back screamed.

"Wait Jemal!"

"Die!" Jemal swung his sequin jacket over his shoulder and stomped out of the room.

"Jemal…no…"

"Told ya!" Dumbly-Door shouted, bitch-slapping Harry. "You can never be happy with only one man!"

Harry sighed, dropping the subject. "But who raped me?"

Just then, a magical pixie fairy popped in, "I'm the rape fairy! I decided to come in and fuck everyone up! By the way, I put poison in your juice! You're going to be shitting your organs out for the next three weeks!" It giggled, twirling around in a magic swirl of pixie dust.

Everyone's like, "WTF?!"

So um……..after that, um…..oh yeah! The ball!

"Hey Hermione, wanna go to the Yule (Log) balls with me?" Ron asked, "I'm too retarded and fugly to ask anyone else."

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION I ALREADY HAVE A DATE!!" Hermione shrieked, breaking the glass on the windows. Glass fell down upon them, onto people's food. So on top of the organ-shittage, they now had to deal with glass ripping at their ass. How they didn't know the glass was in there, I have no idea.

"Jesus, BITCH!" Ron shrieked after.

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Want to go with me instead?"

"Ok I guess," Ron stated sadly. He didn't like being all gay like that. Harry had like, un-gayified him if that's even possible. You can only have someones dick in you so many times. It gets old, you know? And that's why people cheat.

Soooooooo at the ball every one danced and la la la la di da.

And then like, everyone got laid or something, and Harry didn't go to the ball with Cho cause he still wasn't over her.

Here's the fun part;

"Ok. There are four, very real dicks inside this bag. They represent the very real mega-dicks that you will have to face. You have to retrieve the golden ball from the scrotum in order to move onto the next level."

So everyone reached in and pulled out a dick.

Everyone else went and la la la no one cares about them until the end.

Finally, it was Harry's turn. He stepped out to see the biggest dick he had ever seen. It towered over him, almost one hundred feet tall! It was gargantuan! He stood, mouth agape (lol) at the wonder before him. Tears formed in his eyes. It was so beautiful…

It swung down at him, smashing into the ground next to him. Harry, for some reason, called his Firebolt or Nimbus 2000 or whatever, and he flew away. He was trying to lure it away, to get alone with it. But alas, it fell off a bridge and died or something. I'm to lazy to describe.

So um……..yeah. Harry got the ball or something, and decided to take a bath. He went to the secret bathroom, which obviously wasn't so secret if Cedric was there before him.

Moaning Myrtle sat on the toilet, giggling. She slid into the water, inching closer to Harry.

Da na. da na da na da na. …..(that's Jaws music by the way. Just so you know!!)

Harry flipped out and went underwater. Wait! Was the ball singing to him?! He listened carefully. Some stupid chick was singing a emo poem song! Phshaw. Gay.

Harry decided not to listen and was spupid. (Isn't that a fun word??)

So he had to go to the lake and rescue what's their faces and almost drowned cause he was trying to be a goody-two shoes. And a suck up. Stupid Harry and his needs to impress Dumbly-Door.

So that brings us to the final challenge, the maze! Everyone ran off, like little mice, scurrying to their doooommmm! Let's sing the doom song! Doom doom doom! Doom doom doomie doom doom!! I LOVE TACOS!! I love-ed you piggy! I love-ed you!! (Gir's so funny and cute. Invader Zim is effin awesome.)

Ok and Cedric and Harry decide each other is sexy-full after they catch each other masturbating to each other through the bushes like scary rapist stalkers or something. Ant then they see the cup and think it's too shiny and pretty to just sit there, so hey why don't we shove it up each other's asses??

So Harry grabbed it and touched it to Ced's butt cheek and then they went WHOOOSHHHH and were in a graveyard! Ohhh spooky spooky.

So Harry's all like, "OMG THIS IS WHERE VOLDY-BOO WAS RAPED AND THEN HE DIED CAUSE THE DUDE SHOVED HIS OWN ARM INTO HIS THROAT AND HE OOZED GREEN SLIME AND A LION CAME OUT OF HIS BUTT AND THEN HE DIED. AGAIN."

And Cedric's like, "?"

"Get back to the cup or the same fate will fall upon YOUUUUUUUUU!!" Harry shouted, freakin out.

Ced's all like, "YYYYYY??"

And then Wormytail pops up and is like "Hello! I come to kill you now!" Like he's a Spanish maid or something. And he's holding the raisin bran baby, Voldy-Boo. And he says, "I kill now?"

"No, you do not kill now," Harry said.

"I kill now. ADVADA KEDAVRA!" and a little train of icky green boogers shot out from the wand and went deep into Cedric's butt, going all the way up to his brain. And then it scrambled it up. And then he oozed green slime from his eyes. And then a lion popped up.

"See? I told you," Harry smiled, crossing his arms all snooty-like. So, Cedric died and Harry was sad for like two seconds, but got over it. He was just a temporary bitch.

A gargoryle-y tomb stone thing like, kidnapped or something. And then Wromtail went emo and cut off his effin arm. (You know they say you'd give an arm for someone, but I always thought that was quite extreme. I mean, if Emily here was dying and needed my arm, I think she'd understand that I need it to write this fantastic story. Or would she? No, she'd probably haunt me. Nevermind, give your arm or whatever.)

And then he took one of Tommy-kin's daddy's bones and dropped it in the pot, like he's makin human stew or something. Mmmm yummy. Not. Cannibilism is very naughty. And is feared in most societies. Especially my society. I live in gummy-drop awesome land. Yep. Be jealous.

Finally, he cut Harry's arm and Harry's all like, "WHAT THE HELL MAN?! THAT FREAKIN HURT!"

And Wormtail's all like, "I don't care."

So he plopped little Voldy in there and he went, "kir-splash."

And he grew big! Like one of those air packed sponges that grow in the water. You know, the little dinosaurs and princesses and stuff? Or those little rudolphs you can buy at Christmas that you put in a cup of water for like three days, and it ends up only like ten times the size it was before? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

And Voldy-Boo's all like, "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"

Harry's all like, "Mwa? Isn't that a kissy noise?"

Vold's all like, "NOOOOOOOO"

He calls all his little freaks and they have like an orgy or something, and Harry gets away. Yeah, I kind of forgot what happened here cause the transformation was so totally AWSOME. And COOL. And SCRUMDIDDILYUMPTIOUS!!"

(that's pernounced scrum-did-a-ly-um-pitiioous by the way. Yeah. Fun words are derived from this story. Ooohhh I rather like DERIVED too. Yes.)

So back at the tournemnet thing, everyones like, "GASP Cedric's dead!" And, "GASP! HARRY YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR NOT SAVING HIM!"

So Harry's all like, "I don't care! Fix my arm!"

And it was all chaotic-like.

So that's the end I think. Ooooppppsss I totally forgot about Mad-eye. Whatever. He got eaten by the unicorns.


	6. The Order of Sex Craved Pheonixs

Sorry it took so long... I kind of forgot. Not like a whole lot of people read this... yeah.

Well if you life is pathetic enough that you have nothing better to do with your time; here you go. Read and REVIEW!! I want to know your opinion on my stupidity.

* * *

Here we are, in the fifth year of the marvelous misadventures of flapjack. (You know what I'm talking about right? That effin hilarious show on Cartoon Network about that faggishly awesome sailor kid that gets like molested by his captian for candy? Yeah, you do. And if you don't, then watch it. It's funny and cant be misinterpreted sexually quite easily. Hahaha).

No, it's the marvelous adventures of young Harry Pooter.

We're in year five, yes? Though it's chapter six…. Oh well. These things happen.

So anyway Harry has yet again gone back to Aunt. Douche bag and Uncles Semen's house with Duddems. They were all bitchen at each other cause like, they hate each other's guts like they're some kind of white trash family or something. Yeah.

"Harry, I want bacon!" Douche-Bitch yelled.

Harry glared at her. What the hell was she wearing anway? Like she was fifty or something with her purple blouse and floral patterned skirt and pearls. Lol I bet your grandpartents dress like that don't they. Or your mom.

Das right bitch. Your Mom.

(Don't worry I ain't black or nothing and I don't think I be black.)

(Please don't shoot me Jesse Jackson…..Nor am I racist. Just to be clear…. Ok now I feel like your glaring at me through the screen…well I bite my thumb at you. And if you don't know what that means read Romeo and Juliet Beotch).

( J )

So Harry's like, "No bitch get your own fuckin bacon!"

And Uncle Semen was wearing the magical ensomble of a neon green tube top, (he has boobs, right?) and a hot pink mini skirt (XXXXXXXXL). He also wore a pair of skin (fat) tight fish net tights, with bright purple go-go boots. He was smoking a pineapple express and had a proda purse, that he most likely stole from his transvestite wife. Husband. Hermafredite. Whatever.

So Harry storms off in a bacon-rage and goes to the park. There, he sees a scary black dog that looks like its going to chew his balls off. (Why does that sound familiar?)

And hes all like, "Sirius!"

And the dogs all like, "BARK!"

Cause it actually wasn't serious. Or Sirius. Like the navigation system for your car. Or is it a radio. I'm not quite sure.

So magically Harry just poofs to Hogwarts cause I honestly don't remember how he got there. Was he ever really supposed to be at wherever the fuck his uncle and aunt and they're stupid ass son live either? Whatever.

Oh wait. He's supposed to somehow get to Sirius's house. See? I knew that God damn dog was supposed to be in here somewhere.

Ok then. At Sirius's house….;

Sirius is all like, "What you be doin in my crib dog?"

"Don't you be doggin at me dog, this be my crib too man. When you die, I be your only homie so dis all happen to be mine too trick. So put dat in your bong and smoke it, bitch!"

And Sirius is all like, "Don' be goin there girlfrienddd. Don' make me snap in z-formation, head rotation, butt circulation, elbows, elbows, wrist, writ, girl, you just got dissed."

And Harry's like, "Oh no no no!"

And then Sirius's bitch of a mom's all like, "Don' be fruits in my house you faggots. No fruits are allowed in my house."

"Barney, you stole my pebbles!" said Fred, running after the caveman. "GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING FRUITY PEBBLES YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!!" He tackled Barney, strandling his waist (ooohhh naughty). He ripped the bowl from his hands, taking a few fingers with him. Then, he ate everything, even the bowl, and Barney.

So everyone else is like, "HOLY SHIIIIIITTTT!!"

But it was bleeped out cause that's a naughty word.

BEEEEEEPPPPP

And we don' be usin naughty words in Mr. Roger's neighborhood. Oh no no. None of that skillet biscuits is allowed in here. Not in the Black house.

Sirius Black.

Chill out dude I used to date a black guy.

I'm serious not racist at all. (I swear on my father's grave, and yes he really is dead. He died of a heart attack.)

Anyway;….

So there be some shit about some sort of magic balls that have all of Voldy-Boo's magicall memories of awesome-ness and The Prophecy!!  
Now you're all like, OMG THE PROPHECY?! WHATEVER COULD THIS FREAKIN WEIRDO EVER CUM UP WITH FOR THE PROPHECY?! KNOWING THIS STUPID FUCK-FACE, SHE'S SO WEIRD, SHE'LL BE MAKIN UP SOME REALLY FREAKY SHIT FOR THE PROPHECY!!

And, if you're not, then you better start.

So…we're gonna skip a couple thousand pages here….

Ok! The final battle!

Somehow they're all at the Ministry of Poop and they have to go through all these doors and shit.

Door 1;

There was some dude sittin there and he's all like, "One of you has to fuck me to go on!"

And Harry's all like, "Ew, no, you're fugly."

And Ron's like, "I don't swing that way. Cause I don't swing any way anymore. I'm a little confused right now."

So they both look at Hermione and are like, "SACRIFICE!!"

And they throw her in there and run away.

Ok I forgot to mention that the druggie Luna was there and so was the chicken butt Nevill Dick-Acccepting-Bottom. And Genny. Jeezus for as weird as these people are they sure have a lot of retarded looser friends.

So then like, Voldy-Boo sends all his cronnies out to get them cause they're playing on his playground and he doesn't like that. So yeah. Lucious was there, Bellatrix was there, some other people that no one cares about nor have we ever heard about were there…and Sirius was there…and um…what's that guy's name again? Ah, yes, Lupin was there…and um…I know I'm forgetting someone important…. Ah of course, Dumbly-Door and Voldy-Boo. Hello.

So after they get the prophecy; (Which was a giant, salty, hairy man ball. That spoke. Common now you know you want your junk to talk to you. Or your boyfriends junk to talk to or whatever. Or do you? Cause when they're horny that'd be pretty embarrassing in class…. Yeah.)

The Hairy Salty Man-Ball was like, "YOOUUUUUU!! HAIRY POOOTER!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE VOLDEMORTS BITCH FOR ALL OF ETERNINTY!! UNTIL ONE OF YOU BANGS THE OTHER ONE TO DEATH! ONLY ONE SHALL LIVE!! YOU KNOW WHY!"

And then it stopped and everyone's all like, "Whaaattt??"

They all look at each other, then look at the floor, then at each other again. Then start firing life-threatening spells at each other out of they're dicks.

Bellatrix aimed her dick at Sirius and FIRE!! He fell back into the never ending condom of death! No one had ever made it out alive! Dun dun dunnnn!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! SIRIUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!" Harry bellowed.

It's not every day you see your half-dog-half-man uncle get thrown into a giant condom by a dick's excretions now is it? No, I thought not.

So Harry was useless cause he was all sad and then Voldemorts all like, "I'm going to attack you now!"

So Dumbley-Door jumps in front of his and is like, "No! You shall not hurt him!"

And they have a giant sexy dick battle or something and of course Dumbly-Door wins.

How'd it end again? Whatever they went back to Hogwarts and fucked in Dumbel's office for hot make-up depression and I-just-saved-your-life sex.

The end.


	7. The HalfBlood Dick

Decided to update because the new movie came out XD.

This one's not as crack, sadly. But I'll be sure to have fun with the next one. Not like anyones reading! Heh heheheh.

REVIEW

* * *

WOOOOSSSSHHHHH WOOOOSSSSH

The Death Eaters flew around London in black disgusting farty mist. They destroyed a bridge and shit, and knocked people down and made people shit their little British pants. Poopy British Fags. XD

Shoooooo Fudgy-Lumpkins was talkin to somebody or something about something important that we're gonna skip because it's retarded at we don't care. Sound good to you? Sounds good to me. Good? Gooooooddd.

Ok…. Sooooo on the way to the Hog of Warts, Malfoy is sittin on da train with his hommie skillet biscuits from the hizz house of the Slytherin. Fo shizzle my nizzle. What is a nizzle, and how do you fo shizzle it? You tell meh.

Harry strutted down the aisle wearing his birthday suit, which caught Malfoy's attention. He got pissed off cause Harry's cocker doodle doo was bigger than his, by a whole 3 inches, so he decided to beat the shit out of him and leave him on the empty train. Luckily, Luna Lovegood found him and, after a quick raping, decided to take him back to the school after rambling about the mysterious bugs surrounding his head. Sounds like an STD to me… (Whistling suspiciously. SUSPICOUSLY!!!) (cough, thanks Ron, cough).

Otayyyy blah blah blah, dinner with Dumblay-door, blah blah blah. Slughorn! Yay for a fat old man who thinks he's a chair!!! :D

"Ohhhh hello Harry! I'm Slughorn! I'm a creepy old man who likes to pick "special" students, take them aside, rape them, then add them to my "collection"! Nice to meet you!" Slughorn bellowed, grabbing Harry's hand and shaking it.

Harry shook back, his face pale. "I don't want to be raped!"

"Too bad," Dumbly-Door stated dully. "When Slughorn sees a cute little boy and wants to rape him, there's no stopping him. He raped your mother too."

Harry smiled, "So he might be my father?! Oh happy day! Now Snape won't kill me!"

"No, I'm not your fajar," Slughorn laughed, "for I have no penis! I use my fingers!"

………….

Harry took a step back. "How do you do this…?" he asked, curious. Perhaps him and Dumble-doories could try this out sometime?

Slughorn shoved his fingers into Harry's mouth and slid them around a little. "Like this," he smiled evily.

"Don't mouth-finger my little boy-bitch!" Dumblies shouted, pushing Slughorn onto the ground.  
Come back to the castle with us and become the sixth Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! …Oh shit, you're going to be the Potions master. Snape's been promoted finally. Because he did a favor for me in the broom closet…."

Slughorn said, "Enough! I don't want to hear of your cock being sucked like a fudge-sickle! Let us depart!"

Back at Hogwarts~~~~~~~

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

So Harry finds this magical porn book that belonged to the half-blood dick. As in a man who could only get half an erection, therefore could not satisfy said Lilly Potter, and lost her to James. Yes, yes, it was said and sentimental in the book, but we're going to ruin it by being perverted, alright?

So the book had lots of sex-secrets and sketches of naughty naughty things. Harry was greatly amused by this, and decided to horde it like a police man hordes doughnuts. He only showed Ron and Hermione though, because they're his best friends and deserve to see pornos with him. That's what friends do for each other, right? Nevermind that Hermione is a girl. She's a man in this chapter.

Hermione stroked his beard and bitched, "Harry, you should give that book back to the mouth-fingerer. He needs it to rape you."

Harry refused, obviously. He ran to his room crying and screaming about his newly-found secrets of the Kama-Sutra. You don't know what that is? Look it up. I'm warning you though, graphic images may pop up, so make sure your parents aren't around childs. You will find out things you did not need to or want to know. Well, I shouldn't say that, because you might be a rapist pervert who wants new ways to attack his victims.

FLYING PENIS!!!

Ahem.

So the next day was Quittich (spell fail. I don't really give two fucks. It's spelled like that now, alright?), tryouts. Ron went psycho and murdered everyone else on the team so he would win. Then everyone congratulated him and some random stalker chick raped his ass because she was madly in love with him. She sniffed his boxers every night while he was sleeping and she sucked on his toothbrush and other creeper-ish things. Her name; Lavender Brown. Sexual offender. Age, 16. Soon to be rapist of Ron Weasly. Poor poor Ron.

So Harry had the hots for Ginny, mostly because she dressed like a skank.

Nice legs, Daisy Dukes, makin me to WHOOO HOOO. Low cut, see through WHOOO HOOO WHOOO HOOO.

Cause I just set them up, just set them up, just set them up, to knock them down.

STARSTRUCKK you fags! Well that's Ginny for you. So Harry used his new magical spells of awesome awesomeness to seduce Ginny and get her preggers.

"YOU GOT MY SISTER PREGNANT YOU MAN-HOE!" Ron screamed, gouging Harry's eyes out with a spoon. And then he ate them, with Hershey's syrup on top. …:D

Harry cried with his now non-exsistant tears from his non-existant eyes. "She came onto me!"

"I thought you loved me!"

"I only has loves for Dumbly-Door!"

Ron sobbed hysterically then killed himself.

One less retard to write for. I'm not lazy or anything. Really. I kill off the characters I don't really care for.

Hermione, come here. Stab stab. Yay.

Ginny, you and your little demon fetus too. Stab stab stab. Hoe.

So then they find the Room of Requirement. And they needed a circus, with clowns and bearded ladies, so they got that. Then Harry needed a toilet, so one appeared and he shit in front of everyone. And Dumbly-Door needed an ice cream truck with creepy music for unknown purposes, so he received it. How all of these things happened at once, I will never understand. Flaw number 700, J.K. Rowling.

So Harry dumped Ginny's dead body in there, and it magically turned into a forest for better hiding of the body. He then raped her corpse and walked away, whistling.

Sooooo Dumbley-Door called Harry into his office where he had to stick his face in a giant gallon of cumy-cumz. He there saw images of Tom Riddle and his past of being a male prostitute at Hoggy-wartz, dancing sexually with snakes for people, all so he could earn enough shillings to buy things to put pieces of his soul into. Because he was a Satanist who wanted to split himself into seven pieces so no one could kill him ever and he would never die. That way, he could be the longest-living prostitute on the face of the earth! Yayyyyyy for eternal male pole dancers!

Even if they're bald with fishnets and thongs. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside. The inside is all that counts. Yes, you superficial whores, that is the truth.

But, behold! One of the memories with Slughorn was incomplete! Harry had to go on an epic journey to retrieve it!

So Harry put his Link costume on and laced on his sword, and rode off with Midna to go save Zelda! Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (breathe, breathe) nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn(penis licker) nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn(are you seriously still reading this?) nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (you have no life~!) nnnnnnnnnnnnmnnnnnnnnnnnnnmnnnnnnnnnnnnmnnnnnnnnnmnnnnnnnnnn (did you catch the m's?) nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (good job Copernicus).

Don't you just love typing 2525252525 on a calculator? It's amazing. And BOOBS. Ha, Immaturity is immature.

Where were we? Why does this always happen in ever chapter? I get so distracted…

Start your way the holy way with Christ Chex! :D

So after Harry gets the memory from Ganondorf he brings it back to Dumbles and puts it in the gallon of cum. Then they go to the lighthouse from the ring and find the bird fountain with the evil necklace in it. And creepy dead men that look like starved cannibals try to rape the shit out of the dehydrating Dumbly-Doorsey but he blows them away with his flaming cock of fire.

They get the necklace and go back to school only to find out it was a fake! Damn Chinese and their fraudulent Gucci bags and horcruxes.

Meanwhile Snape was raping Malfoy in the hallway because he wasn't doing too hot of a job in killing da master of heads. …Dirty thoughts welcome here.

So Malfoy summons all the death eaters to the school through the thing in the Room of Requirement that looks like Pyramid head stretched out.

Bellatrix, being the insane crack-whore she is, started screaming and running around in circles: "I KILLED SIRUIS BLACK! I KILLED SIRUIS BLACK!"

And Snape got tired of Malfoy being a fag so he pointed his dick at Dumbley-Door and screamed "DO A BARREL ROLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(Look up Brian Peppers on Youtube. Do a barrel roll, biznatch).

Dumble-Door fell back over the railing, barrel rolling down to the ground. Splat. His guts and brains spilled out everywhere and the students came and feasted on his flesh. Yum. Old man meat.

The end. Tune in next time to the Corny Collins show to see the last adventure of Voldy-Boo!


End file.
